Once Again (Back To The Start)
by Diana Prallon
Summary: He speaks as if it is nothing, to have three years of her life missing all of a sudden.


**Once Again (Back To The Start)**

She wakes up to white — white linens, white beddings, white curtains.

For a moment, she didn't know where she was, but then Gwen was there.

"What happened?"

But her maid just cries and hugs her, as if it was some sort of miracle.

Gaius comes around to check on her, and there's a strange boy next to him.

The old man is much the same, but the boy seems restless even though he doesn't move and there is something weary in his eyes.

When she asks who she is, he sighs in relief and than cries.

Uther also seems relieved. He tells her there was an accident — a fall through a flight of stairs.

She was gone for days, and he thought he'd loose her.

He mentions just having found her, and Morgana has no idea what he is talking about, but she's too scared to say anything.

Arthur is much the same, but the weird boy comes with him too.

He makes Morgana uncomfortable, as if he knew her better than she knew herself.

Arthur teases her, and they snip at each other during his short visit.

When Gwen comes back and one again someone mentions her being missing, she starts getting tense. It is clear they were not speaking of her accident. Had she been away during it? Maybe visiting her father's tomb?

She decides to talk to Gaius about it.

Gaius seems relieved when he informs her she's just suffering from some amnesia. He speaks as if it is nothing, to have three years of her life missing all of a sudden, but he says it might be temporary — and that she has nothing to worry about. Nothing ever changes in Camelot, and while she _had_ been kidnapped for a long period, it had all been dealt with and hadn't changed anything.

She truly hopes so.

She hears someone calling her name three days after she wakes up, but she doesn't recognise the voice, and doesn't answer. There isn't nobody in sight, and she wills herself back to sleep.

She can sleep now, no nightmares — even without Gaius' potion. When he asks her about it, he shows her the bracelet that she had been wearing since she woke up and tells her it was her mother's. Morgana spends hours studying the intricate pattern, her mother's arms intertwined with her father's, and wonders how something so trivial could do what years of science couldn't. In her heart, she knows the answer, but she ignores it.

It is something of her parents, and she'll cling to it.

They tell her nothing ever changes in Camelot, but her eyes tell a different story. There are scorched marks in the walls that didn't exist before. Gwen explains about The Great Dragon and how it escaped and tried to burn down Camelot.

She says she is grateful she doesn't remember _that_ , and Gwen winces visibly.

Her maid has grown strange, different from what she used to be. There's a new certainty in her tone, and she doesn't blush as much when speaking out of turn. Morgana loves it — she loves to see her so confident.

She always sees the way Gwen and Arthur look at each other — the longing.

It makes her feel very lonely, but it also makes her happy. Gwen may be able to talk some sense into Arthur's head.

And still the weird boy — Merlin, they've told her — looks at her oddly.

It takes her three moons, a cancelled wedding and a rescue mission of Gwen and her brother for her to give up — her memories where supposed to be back, if they would ever return. Now, she was missing part of her life, and would always be. As they escape the tunnels under the Castle of Fyrien, she finally confronts Merlin.

"Why are you always watching me like that?" she asks, her voice sharp.

"I'm sorry" the boy stammers, walking away. "I meant no offence."

They walk in silence, too worried with alerting the sentries to bother with speech, and there isn't anything else to be said until they reach the cover of the trees.

"We were friends once" he tells her, eventually, and he seems pained.

"Maybe we can be again — if you stop staring."

He snorts, and shakes his head.

"I'll try to remember that."

Still, the tone in his voice says it won't be the case.

That night, as she lays down next to Gwen and stares at the fire she's finally able to voice the thoughts in her head.

"I think I did something bad" she whispers to her friend, and looks over to where Merlin is guarding their camp. "I think I did something bad and Merlin hates me for it."

Gwen frowns at that, as if she couldn't imagine what Morgana had done.

"I don't think…"

"I _know_ I did. I just wish I knew what it was — and why."

Her maid gives her a small smile at that.

"The way I see it — it's a chance. You've got a new chance, now. I don't know of anything — can't think of anything — that you could've done that was _bad_ , but… All your choices are ahead of you now; again. Just make sure you do it right this time."

And still looking at the profile of the boy she barely knows, and yet attracts and repels her in the same measure, she nods firmly.

She'll do it right, this time.


End file.
